You Make Me Wanna BLEEEECH!

Although Tuesday night's Orange Bowl didn't produce a competitive BCS National Championship game, the halftime extravaganza more than made up for it. Watching Southern Cal massacre the Sooners was merely an appetizer. For halftime we were promised the unveiling of the new U2 video of "All Because Of You." It was somewhat disappointing since the ABC people polluted it with a montage of first half highlights/lowlights. But the real treat was the halftime performance which preceded it.

Ashlee Simpson- singing live. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

You knew a train wreck was coming because the singers before her had microphone and monitor problems. Both Kelly Clarkson and Trace Adkins [nice diet] struggled to hear themselves; they had to use a back-up microphone when the first one didn't work. This was setting everything up for a memorable performance by Miss Ashlee. Her studio manipulated vocals didn't stand a chance.

But first I've gotta protest this: they introduced her as, "Superstar Ashlee Simpson." Are you kidding me? Who are they trying to fool? Just because her CD was a top seller for one week doesn't mean she's a superstar [and I sincerely hope that those purchases were all made by pre-teens, because if you're an adult and you bought that album, you should be shot]. She sang her new song "La-La" as in "you make me want to La-La." My wife and I were trying to figure out if that phrase is really a euphemism for sex. If you figure that one out, let me know.

She was a wretched mix of missed notes and awkward stage movements. I'm really not sure if the wannabe punk/pop/rap/opera star butchered the song because the song itself is so ridiculous. I was feeling like those NASCAR fans who watch for the crashes. The fact that the performance was painful is what made it enjoyable. And the reaction of the Orange Bowl crowd: a chorus of boos. Whoever scheduled the performers for the halftime-show should have considered the possibility that inebriated football fans probably aren't Ashlee Simpson's fanbase. What a show.

While I want to blame poor Ashlee for the atrocity that is her music career, the guilty culprit is really her father. The former minister turned media mogul decided to sell out his daughters to America just to make a buck. I hope the money is worth it.

Boo, I say. Boo.