When I'm Old

I apologize for the absence of a post during the past few days. It was a hectic week, and this ended up being low priority. I'm just impressed that I've kept this blog thing going. I guess I'm hooked.

I'm a jack of all trades here at the church, so when there's something that they can't get anyone else to do, I'm the guy they call. Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, I ran the sound system for two different gatherings of Christian Senior Citizens. The featured performer was this woman who played the piano extremely well. She even appeared on the Pat Sajak show once [how did Pat snake his way into a TV gig without Vanna?]. For both the performances hundreds of senior citizens sat engaged as this lady tickled them ivories. Not having much else to do, I contemplated on the future and wondered what Christian Senior Citizen gatherings will be like when I'm old and gray. The following is how it plays out in my mind:

The scene unfolds, fifty years into the future. The Olson twins are President, aided by a Constitutional Amendment that allows twins to run for the office together. Bob Barker still hosts the Price Is Right [who knew cryogenics would actually work?] and a cup of Starbucks coffee costs $1,500,000 without the whipped cream. The Cincinnati Area Senior Citizens Gathering is about to begin. Steve and Kelly Carr, who've made it through over fifty years of marriage without killing each other, take their seats.

Old Man Steve: This facility sucks. I still hate this place.
Old Woman Kelly: Now Steve, try not to be so negative.
Old Man Steve: I can't help it! Who would've ever thought that a church would buy Riverfront Coliseum, which used to be the First Star Center, which used to be US Bank Arena, which used to be the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Gardens, which used to be Frank's Prenatal Care Sporting Arena, which used to be . . .
Old Woman Kelly: Alright already! I get the point! Geez, you still ramble. And now you drool too.
Old Man Steve: Well I just never imagined Cincinnati would be home to the first 100,000 person megachurch. And I still can't believe that Matthew McCann would've grown up to be a preacher of a church like that. I used to kick that rugrat in the hallways at church.
Old Woman Kelly: Well you never know what God's going to do, do you?
Old Man Steve: Obviously not. So who's on the schedule for this thing today?
Old Woman Kelly: Well it's an old fashioned church sing, like the ones we used to have years ago.
Old Man Steve: Really? Who's leading the music?
Old Woman Kelly: David Crowder, Chris Tomlin, and the Ottoman band.
Old Man Steve: The Ottoman band? We know those guys! Man, they were never the same after Coates left the band for his solo career.
Old Woman Kelly: True, but I guess he knew what he was doing. His drum solo album went triple platinum. Never would've guessed that drum solo albums would get so popular.
Old Man Steve: Tell me about it. Anyway I'm just thrilled to listen to so good old fashioned worship music. Not this modern crap that's out now-a-days. They just do it like they used to.
Old Woman Kelly: Now Steve, you used to be pretty progressive yourself, trying to get people to give modern worship a chance.
Old Man Steve: I don't care! I just want them to go back to the good old days when we had electric guitars and turntables. These new instruments that they use are overrated.
Old Woman Kelly: Honey, it's an organ and a piano. They're hardly new instruments.
Old Man Steve: Don't infect my mind with those lies, woman! They're instruments of the devil. And anyway, the noise level just isn't appropriate for a worship service.
Old Woman Kelly: What are you talking about? It's lower than we were younger. You can actually hear and understand the words being sung.
Old Man Steve: Exactly! If your eardrums aren't bleeding because it isn't loud enough, than how in the world is God going to be able to hear it? It's not like he had Wi-Fi chip implanted into his brain like the rest of us down here.
Old Woman Kelly: Music doesn't have to be loud, honey. It's just a different style.
Old Man Steve: Plus, it's so bright in here! How can people worship if it's not so dark that I miss my nose when I'm picking it? No candles or nothing!
Old Woman Kelly: Now settle down, Steve. You'll aggravate your artificial heart, lungs, teeth, hair and eyeballs.
Old Man Steve: . . . and all they do is sing those hymns that are hundreds of years old! If God intended us to still sing that junk, he would've inspired them to use terms like "Snap" or "Word"- catch phrases that never became un-cool during the past fifty years. It's not like it used to be.
Old Woman Kelly: Things change, Steve. You of all people should know that.
Old Man Steve: Just forget it! I'm so wound up that I'm leaving. I'm taking my jet pack back to our condo at the Mason Christian Village, Lunar Campus.
Old Woman Kelly: Just don't forget to turn your turn signal off after you're finished. It's so embarrassing when you fly around with your blinker on.
Old Man Steve: You're so embarrassing, you embarrasser!
Old Woman Kelly: Nice comeback.
Old Man Steve: Yeah, I still have nothing left in the tank.

Steve flies away on his jet pack, turn signal flashing.