The Hits Keep Comin'

Call me a bit morbid, be if I could pick another career, I'd say professional hitman would be a cool option. Sure, I would only do it if it involved knocking off people who really deserved it, and perhaps severely hurting people rather than actually killing them [I mean, I'd still try to hang on to my ministerial credentials]. Admit it: whenever you see hitmen in movies, you're thinking it's a pretty awesome career. Cool guns, unlimited bank account, the ability to travel— all wicked awesome. Please, friend, resist clicking over to to see if there any such job listings there.

Any-who, I had to laugh when I came across this real-life article this morning that detailed a woman strangling a burglar to death in her home. See, after further investigation, authorities discovered that it wasn't a mere burglar, but a hitman . . . hired by the woman's husband.  Apparently the hitman was in the house when 51 year-old Susan Kuhnhausen came home for work, and attacked her with a claw hammer. Kuhnhausen, who is in the middle of divorce proceedings with her husband [think she'll get back together with him?], disarmed the hitman who then proceeded to bite her. Then we arrive at today's official "Moment of Great Journalism," the statement from this article describing what happened next:

"A large woman, she was eventually able to get the slight [hitman] into a chokehold and police later found him dead in a hallway."

If this story can't get any crazier, there are other facts to consider, such as:

  1. The woman's house had a security alarm. There was no sign of forced entry. The only person [besides Susan] who had the alarm code was the husband. Way to think of everything, dude.
  2. The hired hitman was a janitor who worked for the husband.
  3. The hired hitman had the husband's cellphone number in his backpack.
  4. The husband managed an adult video store.

That's just classic. There's no way you could make this story up.

After that story, I think I'll leave my hitman dreams by the wayside, fearing death by the hands of a pissed-of 51 year-old large woman.