What the hell?

Before you criticize me for my potty mouth, you need to read the entire post.

Because of our homelessness and our move this summer we didn't get to watch many movies. I can't believe the new Batman movie finally comes out on video next Tuesday. Batman is my favorite comic book hero, so I'll be all over that video like nipples on George Clooney's Batman outfit [if you've ever seen that stupid movie you know exactly what that reference was about]. Let's see: a curse word and "nipples" in the first few sentences of the post. Like I said, hang on and you'll see where I'm going with all this.

So we've been renting a few videos each week, catching up on movies we missed during the past few months. I really wanted to see the movie Constantine starring Keanu Reeves because it has some Biblical themes in it. Kelly wanted nothing to do with it, so I ended up watching it by myself yesterday afternoon. There were some awesome effects and camera shots in it but, after marinating about it for a day, I have no idea what this film was about.

The kid from the movie Holes and The Greatest Game Ever Played is in it, and adds some comedy relief. So is the chick from the Mummy movies, who is a great actress. Oh, and who is was in the movie? Hmmmm, might it be: SATAN?!?!

The background of the flick goes like this: Keanu tried to kill himself when he was a teen because he could see dead people [at least Haley Joel Osment got to see John McLean]. Keanu died for a couple of moments and was briefly in hell, because Catholic dogma insists that suicide results in an eternity of hell. But apparently he was only "mostly dead," and came back to life. That's when he started chain smoking and ended up in his thirties, dying of lung cancer, but spending his free time performing hard core exorcisms. Sounds interesting, huh?

Don't want to ruin the movie for you but SPOILER ALERT: the angel Gabriel tries to switch sides and help bring the son of Satan into the world. Hilarious. So summing up, the movie includes [additional SPOILER ALERTS here. . .
  • about four glimpses into hell
  • Neo performing exorcisms without Trinity [how unBiblical]
  • a sprinkler system with holy water used to kill demons
  • a shot gun in the shape of a cross used to waste demons
  • a glimpse into the "Bible of Hell" which gives I Corinthians 21 chapters
And to my dismay, I watched the entire movie and still didn't see the guy from American Idol. I thought this was his movie. I swear one of the demons looked like Bo Bice.

I don't know if this post was helpful, but I think I've learned that sometimes it's better not to watch the movies you missed in the first place [see Mother-In-Law].

But I'm still renting Batman.