Did He Fire Six Shots or Only Five?

I've done dumber things but, fortunately, no one was around to see this one.

I shaved my head yesterday. The only way I could get it any shorter would be to take a Bic razor to the top of my head and go Mr Clean. I was a little scared at first, not knowing how aesthetically pleasing my skull would be to look at, but it's not too bad. There was this guy I went to college with who shaved his head and the back of his head looked like a package of hot dogs. Mine's not the bad. But I did notice that it makes your face more noticeable; i.e. if you have any blemishes, they seem to show up more.

Which brings me to the dumb thing I did.

So I get into the church this morning before anyone else [Kelly is down in Lexington, so there's really nothing else to do]. I go throughout the building unlocking doors, turning on lights and picking up any pieces of trash in order to make the place look better. Walking up the stairwell by our offices, I notice that there's a cockroach on the wall. And it isn't any run-of-the mill cockroach; this one has been 'roiding up. I think about ignoring him [notice how I automatically applied the masculine pronoun to this cockroach. Does that make me sexist?], but I just can't do it. He's positioned at the very top of the wall, over the landing, which puts him at 15 to 20 feet above the ground. The last thing I want on a Sunday morning is for people to have to look at a big old bug on the wall, so I decide that he must die.

I begin thinking of ways to get the cockroach down, and then it occurs to me: I could shoot him down with my Air Soft gun. For those of you who don't know, Air Soft guns shoot these plastic BB type projectiles that hurt very much when you're struck by them- not as bad as a pellet gun or a fifty-caliber bullet, but more than a love tap. Much could be said about our church's obsession with Air Soft, but I'll write about that some other time.

So since I'm the only person in the building, and I figure no one will know, I go to my office, load my gun and proceed back to the stairwell. The sights on these guns are never totally accurate, so I have to aim off a bit, but making sure to avoid the sprinkler head nearby. My first shot misses him by an inch, but he doesn't budge. My second shot was even closer, and still the insect doesn't move. But it's this shot that alerts me to the fact that shooting at a brick wall would cause the pellets to come back at me, and the pellet nicks my ear. Unfazed, I take another shot, way off the mark, that ricochets right back at my striking me in the forehead. "Suck!" I exclaim, reengaging the task with even more passion. It take 10 shots, and I finally nail him.

As I walk away victoriously, I begin to rub my head, which is throbbing. I go to the bathroom and, sure enough, I have a huge welt in the middle of my forehead. It looks just like a huge zit. Combined with my shaved head, it looks even more ridiculous. Oh, and I'm leading worship this morning. Brilliant Steve, brilliant.

Next time I'll let the church people hurl when they see a huge cockroach staring at them on a Sunday morning.