State of My Union

The room is filled with all Steve's multiple personalities. Nice Steve who is kind to children on the right side of the aisle. Angry Steve who is mad at the way Jihad Muhammed runs point for the Bearcats on the left. Confused Steve is lying down in the aisle trying to do the worm. Then from among all voices, an old guy shouts from the back of the auditorium . . .

"Mr Speaker, President Steve!"

Amid thunderous applause President Steve makes his way down the center aisle, shaking hands to the right and to the left of him. Carefully stepping over Confused Steve, he makes his way to the lectern and waits for the cheering to subside. Finally, the President begins to speak.

"My fellow Steve Carr personalities, I am proud to present to you this evening the state of our union address. And I'm here to tell you that the state of our union is good."

Resume thunderous applause. When it again dies down, President Steve continues.

"This has definitely been a difficult year for all of us, but we are far better off now than we were four years ago. We haven't let ourselves got to pot like many married men our age; we can still play soccer competitively against college kids. We are more intelligent than we were four years ago; we read more than we watch television. And we have started a blog, giving all of us personalities a forum by which to express ourselves. My fellow Steve Carr personalities, the state of our union is good."

More applause. A standing ovation, even.

"But we must not rely on the past but look forward to the future. And as President, I will continue to lead us on to a brighter tomorrow. So these are the proposals I put before you: First, by 2007 we will enact legislation to force the Coca-Cola company to produce Diet Cherry Coke in fountain drink form. Second, we will form a bipartisan commission to figure out why we sorta like those Fanta commercials that they show before movies. Third, we will rearm our military by purchasing a fully automatic Air Soft gun and ruthlessly attack Al Qaeda [or high school kids] with them while purposely avoiding their dental work. Fourth, we will spread the concept of freedom among all our neighbors, encouraging them to sport a lawn mullet: cutting the grass short in the frontyard while leaving it long in the backyard. Fifth, we will ask the wife for legislative funding of $10,000 to buy a golf membership at an exclusive country club. If this is fails, we will see if she will at least let us play once a week. "

The right side of the aisle gives the President a standing ovation. The left side claps but stays seated because they're not going to suck up to a President in the other party.

"And finally we will continue to stay in shape so that we won't be that guy everyone points at during the class reunion. In order to accomplish this we will exercise more. We will worry less about sleep and wake up early to work-out. We will eat vegetables that taste like poo. We will consume bran in mass quantities and stay regular. We might even shop at Wild Oats."

Crickets. No one makes a sound. Then the President adds,

"Just kidding about that last one."

Standing ovation. President Steve exits the auditorium, shaking every hand he sees. Confused Steve eats the lectern.