Me VS Tiger [Rivalry Renewed]

As I have frequently admitted in the past couple of weeks, I have missed regular blogging. Transferring all of my old posts to the new blog reminded me of things I have overlooked during my writing famine. One of those was the gauntlet I threw down last year to one Eldrick Woods, known better to the general public as Tiger; as we were born on the exact same date, it's only logical that we compare our lives to see who's doing better. With the last scoreboard, it was a dead heat, but we now have to go back and tally things up to get the newest standings. Since last we checked in, Tiger had his second child. While I'm going to talk smack and say that my one child is better than his two combined, he still owns scoreboard. Congratulations, sir, you have procreated more.

This one point lead will be stretched because last week Tiger had a traffic accident. No biggie, as I had an accident in 1992 when my Ford Escort got in the way of a Camaro, and I was t-boned on Tylersville Road in 2004, but I did not hit both a tree and a fire hydrant. Nor did I have to go to the hospital. Again, El Tigre pads his lead, now up by two. So the current scoreboard:

ME = 1


But now we have to take account of the events that have transpired since this accident. The facts surrounding the issue are hazy at best, because none of it seems to make sense. Why are you leaving your house at 2:30am the night after thanksgiving (I'm suspecting the Woods don't need to shop Black Friday)? If you're not drunk, how do you hit both a tree and a fire hydrant? And, seeing the pictures of the accident, why does the wife have to bust out the windows of your vehicle with a nine-iron? Apparently, it's all due to the fact that our opponent has a girl at every port; as Glen Frey lyrically shared, "you can't hide those lyin' eyes."

I'm not taking pot shots here, because I know there's now pain surrounding this family, and the innocent (his wife and children) will have to bear the burden. But it's yet another reminder why we need to keep things in perspective. Sure, celebrity life has it's perks, but I wouldn't trade it for the beautiful simplicity of the life I own. When things are so bad that you have to cheat on your supermodel spouse, something is jacked up. Now for the rest of his professional career, this episode will always be remembered. It's truly sad.

I'm hoping this whole situation will be a warning to spouses everywhere: no matter how crafty you are, you're going to get caught. If you don't think you have it in you to be faithful, then why get married in the first place?

Look, it can be done. For eleven plus years I've found full contentment in my spouse. She's been there through thick and thin, and has constantly supported all of my endeavors. She's absolutely amazing. Why would I ever think of screwing it up with a fling? Believe it or not, there's more to satisfaction than sex. What we have is worth far more than anything I could ever imagine. So my free advice, specifically to the gents, is to love your wife. Respect her. Make her feel beautiful. If you do that, you'll never have the need to search for anything else.

But we must revisit the game. In the category of fidelity, I'm going to claim victory. And since I will neither have to buy jewelry to compensate for my cheating ways, nor will voicemails to my mistresses make national websites, the point totals should skyrocket. It might sound arbitrary, but I'm going to say that this is a five-point category, and I'm taking them all to the bank. The current scoreboard now reads:

ME = 6


Tiger has a lot of making up to do.