Open Letter to a Car Thief

Good morning!

I hope you slept well last night, but I'm sure you lost a little sleep when you were up at 2am trying to break into my car. I should've let you know earlier that my driver's side door lock is broken. So even though it's actually open, enabling you to access my Explorer by just opening the door, the alarm is actually on. That's why while you thought you were being sneaky, my rather obnoxious horn started blaring at you. Too bad you weren't actually able to take anything in the excitement. You did succeed at getting me out of bed, but I was pretty ticked so I wouldn't have been to congenial in my introduction if we had met.

Actually, the main reason for my correspondence it so ask: what were you trying to take? A couple of years ago I learned the hard way by leaving some church equipment in the back of the Explorer where someone performed a smash and grab. Through that experience, I paid my "dumb tax" and learned that you never leave anything of value in your car overnight— ever.

Since you might be thoroughly disappointed this morning, thinking of what you might have taken from my car, I've decided to give you an itemized list of what was up for grabs. For your convenience, I've added the approximate street value to the items so you can see your potential losses.

Child's Car Seat
Condition: New.
Notes: By far, the most valuable thing you could've scored
Approximate Street Value: $10.00

Baby Stroller
Condition: Slightly Used.
Notes: Just too bulky for you to carry away. You want take this.
Approximate Street Value: $8.00

Soccer Cleats
Condition: Used.
Notes: They're just a junk Nike pair I purchased at Play-It-Again Sports I leave in my car just in case.
Approximate Street Value: $3.00

Condition: Used
Notes: Just in case I want to hit a couple practice balls.
Approximate Street Value: $4.00

Stuffed Ducky

Condition: Slightly Used
Notes: My daughters' companion for our road trips.
Approximate Street Value: $1.00

Car Air Filter
Condition: New
Notes: Only fits 1996-2001 Ford Trucks.
Approximate Street Value: $4.00

Restaurant Napkins
Condition: New.
Notes: In the glove compartment in case there's a mess.
Approximate Street Value: $0.00

Beyond my stereo** there's honestly nothing left in there worth taking. I guess you could've stolen the vehicle itself, but that makes no sense; it is, by far, the least desirable car in our parking lot. So the whole take would've netted you $30.00. Is $30 worth the possibility of getting caught and imprisoned (not that we have any room in our jails to keep you)? When I ask that, I assume that this wasn't your first attempt at theft and that they would find other stuff on you as well.

And if it was, by chance, your first attempt at breaking into cars, I'd say you're off to a bad start; you're clearly no good at this. Might I suggest some other method of fleecing the general public, such as TV weatherman?

In closing, thanks for nothing. Now I'll be tired all day and both of us leave this experience empty-handed.

Steve Carr

*If, by some chance, it was you who broke into my car a couple years back, then I am grateful that you didn't break any windows this time. But, seriously, aren't there other cars that are more likely to have better stuff in them?

**It's my understanding that not many thieves try to steal factory installed ones. I'm not sure the 1999 Ford Explorer stereo has any street value, hence, it was not included on the list.