A Bunch Of Bull

I love Cincinnati. It's my hometown and I'd love to spend the rest of my life here. Yet I always find myself on the offensive trying to refute negative stereotypes people have about my city. I've talked to people who have moved here from other parts of the country who criticize Cincy as a hillbilly, midwestern town. "There's nothing to do here. It's the most boring city in America," I've heard people say. When I hear stuff like that, it ticks me off and I kick something. We're not hicks; we're a regional center of education, industry, and commerce capable of impacting the world. Did you hear we almost brought the 2012 Olympics here? We're going places- so back off!

But then there are things like yesterday, when a cow gets loose in the streets of the city. There he was, prancing around like that elk at the beginning of Northern Exposure. And of course, it made all the national media. I saw it this morning while watching Sports Center, for crying out loud! So here we are again, backwards Cincinnatians, with cows roaming the streets. They did finally catch it in a valley near Deaconess Hospital after a few hours.

I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if the same thing hadn't happened twice within three years. But adding insult to injury, they ended up killing this cow. Apparently after you tranquilize the animal, its meat is no longer safe for consumption. So instead of sending to a cow sanctuary like the first one, they drove a bolt through its head [not to be too graphic, but it's in the Enquirer article you can read above]. Hooray for us. Cows roam our streets and we put bolts through their skulls.

So I'm about ready to give up. Maybe I should just except who we are. Maybe everyone is right and we are a bunch of rednecks. So I'm going to WalMart right now to buy me a white tank-top and a can of Skoal. I'm giving up my shoes, going squirrel hunting, and putting a big number 3 sticker on the back of my car [I guess I'll have to get the accompanying one of the little boy peeing on the number 24 too]. I'm from Cincinnati. I'm a hick. I should just get used to it.

Our Guide Steve

I don't know if all this will come across as funny as it was in real life, but I have to give it a try anyway. While we were in Israel, the tour company assigned a guide to us, to lead us around the sites and point out little-known facts about the locations. Our guide's name was Steve.

Steve is 64 years old and is from New York City. Since he was born Jewish, he took advantage of the opportunity to relocate to Israel and become a citizen there. All Israeli young men, and now even women, are required to serve two years in the military. Steve had objections to Israel's policy concerning the Palestinians and refused to serve in the West Bank. So the government threw him into jail for seven years. When he was released he went to Syracuse University to get a PhD in some kind of religious/sociological field [he really didn't want to talk about it] and has been a professional guide for about 25 years. He's fluent in Modern Hebrew, Arabic, German and French and knew both the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures forwards and backwards.

Usually people as intelligent as Steve are rather eccentric. And I believe that in all my years of life on Planet Earth I've never met another character like him. For some reason he reminded me of Charlton Heston as seen in Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine. He walked everywhere with both a fanny pack, a backpack, and a megaphone contraption. He didn't move his arms while walking. And after he finished speaking a thought, he would stare off into space, as if waiting for the voice inside his head to give him permission to move on. Oh, and in the middle of the week he began telling us stories in a mouse voice. It was impossible to have a normal conversation with him. Yeah, he was classic.

So at one point during the week, while we were at the bottom of the temple mount area, he pulled out his Bible and read Psalm 24- the whole "Who will ascend the hill of the Lord" text. And once again, when he finished reading the text, he stared off into space [everytime he read Scripture, it was as if he was auditioning for Macbeth]. He then, from his Jewish perspective, talked about the importance of temple worship and approaching the temple mount. Interesting info, just a different kind of presentation.

Later that afternoon we had the opportunity to walk through Hezekiah's Tunnel. The tunnel, a waterway which King Hezekiah built to bring water into the city, is located in the Old City of David, just south of the temple mount. We knew we would be walking in a water filled cave that was four-football fields long. Steve's story was the the water would probably go up to our knees. I guess his interpretation of knees is different than mine; at some points, I had water up to my chest. After 45 minutes of traversing the chilly water in the tunnel, we exited at the Pool of Siloam. It was about 5pm. It was fifty degree weather with a blowing wind. We had no change of clothes and no towels to dry off with. We were freezing our butts off. Adding to the experience was that the place where we ended up was at the bottom of this hill south of Jerusalem.

So we're marching up this huge steep hill to get back to the rest of our group. There's traffic flying by on the road next to us. We're soaked and cold, tired and miserable, all while following our tour guide Steve in a straight line up the mountain. He hadn't said a word to us in ten minutes. Then all of the sudden he stops. He pauses and looks at us. And he shouts out in his loud theatrical voice:

"WHO WILL ASCEND THE HILL OF THE LORD?"

And then he pauses, looking up to the sky for five seconds. And he begins walking again without saying another word for like fifteen minutes.

It was the craziest thing I ever saw. I tried holding back but I just started cracking up. It was like something out of a movie.

And I'll never read Psalm 24 the same way ever again.

Right To Die?

One of the news items we missed while being overseas was the whole issue with a 41 year-old woman named Terri Schiavo in Florida. Schiavo suffered brain damage about fifteen years ago when her heart stopped briefly because of a chemical imbalance. Since then she has been in a semi-comatose state and has needed a feeding tube to keep her alive. Her husband Michael said that Terri wouldn't have wanted to stay living like this and has fought for the right to remove her feeding tube. A judge gave the order for it be done at the end of last week and for four days now she's been starving to death. This is the third time her tube has been removed, with courts stepping in the first two times to save her life. No one's quite sure how it will turn out this time.

This issue goes far beyond the right-to-die issue. Suicide is when people decide to terminate their own lives. Terri hasn't articulated her desire to die [of course, she's unable to], but we're to take her husband's word that this is what she said she would've wanted. Michael is Terri's legal guardian and, according to these courts, he has the right to say that she should die.

Terri's parents and siblings have been caring for her for years, while her husband apparently hasn't seen her for years. He's since moved on to have kids with his girlfriend and could probably just divorce her and hand over guardianship to the family. But he refuses to do so. So one individual gets to choose that another individual should cease to live; sounds more like murder to me.

I know that even some Christians aren't sure how to feel about this- pro-life Christians for that matter. This very issue was brought up in the Academy Award winning movie Million Dollar Baby. Is life still valuable and worth living even when it's not up to the standard we wish it were? There are all these arguments in support of "death with dignity," but dignity itself is a subjective issue. I wouldn't deem starvation a dignified death. There are a lot of hot button issues out there that cause division among people, but the only people who seem to be in favor of killing Terri Schiavo are her husband and some judges. Something is certainly demented about this whole thing.

Sidenote: Peggy Noonan wrote an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal Op/Ed section on the lack of political power the Republican controlled government has been able to wield in this issue. Since the election I've been sick of politics and haven't cared to discuss much about it, but now that the Republicans- the protectors of Judeo/Christian values- have control of the government, how is it that they're unable to step in and make something happen here? Perhaps of all the things on the Bush agenda, the abuse of the checks and balances system by judges should be brought to the forefront. Yet another reason why I put no faith in government.

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Program . . .

Hi. It's Kelly. I've temporarily taken over Steve's blog to say a few words.

UK ROCKS!

I stand on behalf of UK fans everywhere, especially those living in Cincinnati, to claim victory. The debate is finally over -- no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Kentucky is the dominant team. We knew it all along, but I'm glad it's now been proven to those misguided Cincinnati fans.

I don't have to take an ad out in the local newspaper or get published in the fancy Enquirer to make it known. I just let my team do the talking.

So, as I told you, Steve, I gave you one night of gracious winning. Today is the day I rub it in your face.

Enough said.

Bearcat Lament

In a week where everything was going my way, I wanted the cherry to top the sundae. Who am I kidding? I wanted the New York strip steak to top that thing off. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. UC was beat by UK. Or actually, if you watched the game, UC lost the game as opposed to getting beat.

Now I know this comes off as sour grapes, but if you really watched the game, you can attest to the fact that statistically Kentucky did everything they needed to do to win a game and still Cincinnati was in a position to win. I think with like 8 minutes left it was only a three point game. After shooting over 50% in the first half, the Bearcats ended up shooting something like 32%. Do that math and you'll see that they just fell off the face of the earth. They had all the tools they needed to dominate in the paint and they never got the ball down low. All I can say is there'll be a ton of UC fans this morning calling for a jihad on Jihad.

As for how things went last night, Kelly was wise enough to invite another couple to come watch the game with us [thanks Paul and Carol]. At first I thought that was a bad idea, but it was rather brilliant. I swear I decided I would be a passive fan at the beginning of the game, but after those first few minutes of bad calls and poor defense, I was yelling at the TV. I was up and down yelling for almost two hours straight. I was giving it the effort I would have if I was in Indianapolis at the game. All to no avail. I don't think Bob Huggins heard any of the advice I was yelling at him through our 32 inch Sony television.

And how are things at the homestead? To my wife's credit, she's been a gracious and compassionate victor. I'm sure that'll end sometime this afternoon. But if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd be rubbing in a UC victory over UK until the apocalypse.

Oh, and with Wake Forest losing last night my bracket has officially imploded, so it's time to move on. So it's on to baseball and the Reds who have a revamped pitching staff that should keep us competitive. Then Masters is in a couple weeks; watching golf at August is awesome. And then Ohio State should have a good team back this fall. The Bengals finally signed Rudy and looked primed for a run. And then UC has everyone but Maxiell back and has some good recruits on tap.

I don't know what I'll do to take my mind off this devastation, though. Yes, Chicken Little, the sky has fallen.

Published too

I sent a copy of my last blog post to the Cincinnati Enquirer who decided to post it in this morning's paper. You can read their abbreviated version here: http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050319/EDIT01/503190326/1020/EDIT

Will the real Cats please stand up?

"So let it be written. So let it be done."

With victories in the NCAA basketball tournament yesterday, the University of Cincinnati Bearcats and the University of Kentucky Wildcats will finally play each other this Saturday night for the first time in 14 years. But honestly, their not playing each other never really bothered me too much. I was always familiar with UK basketball, but I didn't care for it. Both my parents' families were from Kentucky, but sports were never a big deal in my house growing up; there was never an issue of who we should or shouldn't root for. Despite my Bluegrass roots, I was born and raised on the north side of the Ohio River so there my loyalties lie. I am from Cincinnati, so I cheer for the Bearcats. It's that simple. I couldn't have cared less about Kentucky basketball. But all that changed in 1997.

That's when I became romantically involved with the woman who would become my wife. A young lady born and raised in Lexington, Kentucky. Yes friends, I married a UK fan.

Simplicity gave way to complexity as I married this Kentucky girl. If I was going to make the marriage work [and especially if I wanted to gain access to my father-in-law's season tickets at Rupp Arena], I would have to make peace with the UC/UK issue. Over the past eight years of our relationship, I've evolved into a UK follower. Now for the record, I'd like to differentiate between being a "UK follower" and a "UK fan." As a "follower" I'm interested in what UK is doing and will watch and even cheer for them. They are not, however, my team. I am not a "UK fan." Cincinnati is my team. I am a UC fan. That will never change. But I've been able to achieve a yin-yang type oneness with the situation, keeping my allegiance while supporting hers. And to my wife's credit, she has done the same thing for me. She's become a UC follower. It even shows through our interior decorating: we have one room in our house painted in Cincinnati red and one in Kentucky blue.

Yet the one thing that always allowed us to balance these two opposing allegiances was that Cincinnati and Kentucky never played each other since we've been together. And now, thanks to the NCAA seeding committee, that will finally end Saturday. My wife and I will be forced to sit down and watch a game where we will root against each other's team. So far, we're keeping it together at home. We're still speaking to each other and there are no duct-taped lines around the house. I won't lie to you though: I refuse to eat any of her cooking until the game is over [and I might have to wait even longer depending on the outcome of the game]. And I'll sleep this evening with one eye open.

Since we've been together UK has won a national championship and UC . . . well, they were on the verge of doing so until Kenyon Martin broke his leg in 2000. UK has had Elite Eights and Final Fours while UC has seen repeated second-round tournament exits. She's always had the basketball bragging rights. But maybe all that will finally change tomorrow. Sure, it won't match UK's seven championship banners to UC's two, but if UC can pull it off, I'll be hoisting an imaginary banner to the rafters in my mind. I will walk around our house an empowered man, my troubled soul finally rewarded with a sense of comfort.

So it's Bearcats verses Wildcats. North verses South. Ohio verses Kentucky. Nick Lachey verses Ashley Judd. Me verses my wife. It'll finally be decided Saturday.

I've scheduled a marital counseling session for next week just in case.

The jig is up, the news is out . . .

Sorry I didn't post yesterday; I've been struggling to get caught up. Between jet lag, answering emails and NCAA Basketball brackets, I haven't been able to get back in the groove quite yet.

So about the jet lag- I've never really experienced it until now. It's crazy. The past two mornings I woke up at 2am ready to go to work; up by 5:30 yesterday and 5:00 today. It was pretty easy to adjust to the time over there, but it's been a bear here since we've returned. It has worked to my advantage though. Yesterday morning I was watching Channel 9's morning news when they said they were giving away Styx/REO Speedwagon tickets. Now in my opinion REO sucks, but Styx, even without Dennis DeYoung, rock. Kelly and I had the chance to see them two summers ago [props to Ashlee Travis] and I've been dying to see them again. So I called into the TV station and the woman who answered said I needed to sing a song to get on the air. I belted out my pre-7am interpretation of "Lady," complete with electric guitar rifts for the chorus. She said I was in, but there was a catch: I would be involved in a sing-off against another viewer for the tickets.

I scanned the internet for the correct lyrics to "Lady" because I wasn't quite fully awake and didn't want to mess up on TV. Right as I was to go on air, my cellphone half-went out on me, so I ran to the front yard for better reception. Because of my technical difficulties the other guy went first, choosing to sing REO's "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore." Not to get all Simon Cowell on you, but it was a poor song selection and the guy struggled to find the tune. Then it was finally my turn to rock the mic and I belted out "Lady, when you're with me I'm smiling . . . " worked it with everything I could muster. Oh yes, I owned it. The result: two free tickets and a day filled with phone calls and emails from people saying, "was that you on Channel 9 this morning?"

So the only problem is that if both UC and UK win their games this afternoon [and if they do, you'll be reading about it here tomorrow] then the end of their game on Saturday would be during the concert. I think Kelly and I decided to tape the game, go to the Styx portion of the concert and then watch the game when we get home. Add all that into what we've been through the past few weeks and I'm not sure if life can get any better than this.

I'll keep you posted. But until then, "I'm sailing away . . . "

FINALLY HOME

At 6:34 this evening, Kelly and I walked into our house. It's going to take weeks for me to think about all we've been through, but I'll begin regular postings starting again tomorrow. There's so much to muse about- things that happened there and things we missed while we were gone. We're going to force ourselves to stay up for the next few hours to fight jet-lag, and finally eat some real American food.

We're back!

On to Paris!

So we received the info this morning that we're flying out to Paris. We're sitting in the hotel lobby waiting for the bus to arrive to take us to the airport now [about 4:30am back in Cincy]. And they were able to get our whole group out on the same flight to Paris. But here's the interesting part: they won't be able to get most of us back until Tuesday evening. Yep, that means we're going to get to see Paris after all- and even spend more time there than we thought we would.

This is awesome because Kelly was really disappointed about losing the Paris part of the trip. And we'll even get an extra day there too. So we'll see how things turn out there; there's still a remote possiblilty that we won't be able to get out Tuesday.

So keep checking in now and then, and I'll try to let you know what part of the world we're in.

Two full days of French people. How lucky am I?

Stuck in Israel

So I know it's been awhile since an update; internet access is hard to find here in israel. Yes, i said here in Israel. At this point in our journey we were supposed to be in Paris, ready to fly out tomorrow. Unfortunately the French are still horrible. Maybe you've seen that the French labor force has decided to go on strike. It's shut down travel throughout Europe and has put us back in Jerusalem to wait till we get a flight out of Tel Aviv. Right now it's Friday night here [Friday afternoon in the US] and it looks like we won't get out of here until Sunday at the earliest. On the bright side, this hotel that they have us in is the best one we've stayed in yet, abd we had the chance to once again explore the city of Jerusalem. it's been a great experience, but right now we're longing for home.

They tried to send a few people from our group out of the airport last night and they were there for five hours before being sent back. We're flying out of Ben Gurion airport which is notorious for their tight security. They gave a girl in the group a once over and interrogated her pretty severly. I swear, if they do that to me or Kelly, I'll call the US State Department. These Israeli soldiers are all over the place with weapons that my tax dollars helped pay for and they're going to give me a rough time?!?! So maybe I'll get to complete the Israeli tour with some time in prison.

Seriously though. it's been an incredible trip, but we're longing to get home. Hopefully it'll be sooner than later. Until then, it's watching Dumb and Dumber with Arabic subtitles: "Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?"

hello from israel!

Hello to all! Please pass this message along to others who may enjoy reading it!

Well, we've had an adventurous time so far. We flew out of Cincy a week ago and landed in Atlanta then to Paris. The Paris airport was CRAZY!!! Then safely on to Amman, Jordan, where we arrived late at night.

Jordan was interesting. Very foreign feeling. We saw some places -- we'll show you photos -- and we stood on a hill where David had Uriah the Hittite killed. Then we drove south the next day toward the lost city of Petra. Amazing! Photos galore!!! From there we went back to Amman for the night and the next day crossed over into Israel. That was an adventure! Security was tight but we got through with less interrogation than Kelly anticipated!

We saw the Old Testament city of Jericho ruins. Then an unexpected whirlwind tour as we ascended through the Judean desert and up into the Mt. of Olives. There before us was Jerusalem! (Remind us to tell you about the song!) What a view!!! We worked out way down the hill, down the path of triumphal entry (Palm Sunday), stopping at the Garden of Gethsemane and then ascending to Stephen's Gate (woo hoo) into the old city of Jerusalem.

The city was overwhelming at first -- not quite the spiritual quest we envisioned. A modern day marketplace atmosphere with lots of people hawking their wares at us! We went on the Via Delorosa and ended up at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. That church is on the location where they say Jesus' tomb was located. Kelly didn't realize it's also the area where He was crucified. Can we say gaudy?! Yes, it was a bit sad to see the different areas of the huge church where Christian sects each had their place to decorate with many tributes, incense, etc. By the end of the night, we were sort of disappointed. But Kelly had this thought hit her: "Blessed are those who believe and yet do not see." Kelly was expecting to "see" something or to touch something Jesus had touched. (Thomas the apostle was her kind of guy!) But then she realized that her whole life she's had this faith and has not seen. Why should being in this place be any different?

Fortunately, the next day was a brighter, more spiritual side to the city. We saw the Western Wall and each got to pray there and place a prayer in its cracks. We saw the Temple Mount with the famous Dome of the Rock on it. (They currently don't let people in.) We also saw the stones that fell when Romans attacked the temple and destroyed it in 70 AD. We also saw the steps up to the entrance and exit of the temple where Jesus would've walked. (Kelly got to step where He had stepped!!) We had a wonderful time in the Jewish quarter of town. Then headed down to the old city of David (not currently in the walls but where Jerusalem used to be.) Steve went with a group through King Hezekiah's water tunnel. Kelly opted out with a few others because of claustrophobia. Steve was the only manly man to walk it barefoot. This tunnel was a person wide and dark and had water at times up to his waist. Unfortunately, this was a very chilly evening. So he sloshed around the rest of the night with the others, all of them with chattering teeth. We ended the night going through the rabbinical tunnel. This was built under where the Muslims currently live. It was built to go along the entire length of the western wall where the temple had been.

Friday we went to Bethlehem. First we saw a fortress King Herod (the guy who killed the babies when Jesus was born) built called the Herodium. It overlooked Bethlehem -- pretty close for a guy searching to kill the messiah. We went into Bethlehem and saw the Church of the Nativity. Then we went into a massive store and got many gifts.

Today was our free day. And boy have we used it to the fullest. From 9:00 to 12:30 in the morning, this is what we did: walked the entire city outside the walls, stopping at Schindler's grave, the church dedicated to the upper room and one dedicated to Mary, went down into the Kidron Valley and saw Zechariah and Absalom's tombs, went back up the Mt. of Olives (just to see the view again!) and then back down to continue around the wall, passing through the Muslim cemetary (we'll explain it later) and on around back to our hotel. We would love to know how many miles that was!

The hotel here in Jerusalem is MUCH better than the two in Jordan. Very nice for a four-night stay. The food here is good. In Jordan it was very Mediterranean. There are street hagglers at every stop, trying to sell us anything and everything. It is also neat to see the various people -- Muslim, Orthodox Jews in their black hats and clothing, etc. There are military, both Palestinian and Israeli with their guns. They've borded our bus at checkpoints to make sure we look OK. But all in all, we feel very safe. We've had such peaceful moments.

We have one full week left. Next week we head to the Dead Sea and Galilee areas. And then on to Paris where we hear it's snowing now. Brrr. We're having fun, but we wish you could be here to see it too. Love to all!

Steve and Kelly!

And Next Week . . . In Jerusalem

Tomorrow's the day that we've been anticipating for over a year now: Kel and I are going to the Holy Land. By the way, I have that Veggie Tales song in my head from Josh and the Big Wall, but have changed the lyrics to, "Cause we're going to the Holy Land!" [sounds sticky]. Anyway, planning for being gone for two weeks has been a bear. Between taking care of things at work, packing, and getting people to look after the house, it's probably been more work than the rest we'll be getting. But it doesn't matter. I'm beside myself with excitement for what the next couple of weeks will hold. We've been saving up for a couple years for an opportunity like this, and are so blessed that God provided. I know this doesn't sound like a dream vacation to most of you, but this is my Mecca . . . um, except that I'm not Muslim, yet Jerusalem is the third holiest city in Islam and there will be lots of Muslims there, so it's kinda like Mecca, just with more Christians and Jews and um, bullets. Yeah . . .

So here's a brief overview of our trip: We fly tomorrow from Cincy to Atlanta to Paris [we were promised a direct flight to Paris, but you know how Delta can be]. From there we fly into Amman, Jordan where we spend a day and a half there and then a full day at the lost city of Petra [made popular by the ending of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]. We then cross over into Israel seeing Jericho and hopefully Bethlehem [if it's safe] and spend four nights outside the Old City of Jerusalem. We get to see everything in and around the city. We head south and spend two nights by the Dead Sea, getting to see the desert fortress of Masada, which is said to be the most breathtaking site in all Israel. We head north to spend two nights by the Sea of Galilee and one night by the Mediterranean Sea before flying from Tel Aviv to Paris. Finally we get to spend a day and a half in Paris before coming home.

I've heard that they don't have many internet cafes over there, but I promise, if at all possible, I'll be updating my blog when I'm over there. So check in every couple days to see if there are any updates.

I've never had so many people tell me I'm crazy [well, just about one particular thing]. People are shocked that we would venture to someplace so dangerous. But I have no concerns over our safety. But I guess, this could possibly be my last public message to all of you, so I should at least be prepared. So I leave you now, with my own personal eulogy.

I'll see you on the other side . . . maybe?

Steve Carr [1975-2005] - A Personal Eulogy

How difficult it is for me to put into words thoughts about a man like . . . me. This is definitely a difficult time for all of us, to have to experience the snuffing out of a character as unique as Stephen E. Carr leaves a huge hole in our lives. But we must go on. Well actually, I'm dead, so I've already gone on but YOU, YOU MUST GO ON. That being said, allow me to reflect on Steve as we remember his impact on our lives.

I liked Steve from the very beginning. Now don't get me wrong, he had his faults and there were those times that he was so obnoxious that I wanted to choke him to death. He was just a different kind of person. Always making jokes about everything, but taking life way to seriously. Always making sure the neck holes on his t-shirts were just right, but not washing his car for six months at a time. This guy would spend hours pouring over sentences he just wrote to get them to sound just right and then misspell the word definately four times.

He sure did like Burritos. Those big overstuffed ones from Chipotle and Qdoba. But he hated sour cream. Who doesn't like sour cream on their burrito? Of course, he had this thing against white non-sweet food. No mayonnaise, no cole slaw, and definately no cottage cheese. He was twisted.

Man, was his wife hot. How that guy ever got a woman so fine, God only knows. She put up with a lot of his crap, but I guess she actually enjoyed being married to him. Must have found him mysterious. Too bad the guy was cheap and should've bought more life insurance before he went out like that.

Steve loved sports. Good thing he never had any kids because he definately would have forced them to live out all his unfilled sports aspirations. Instead he was relegated to a daily regimen of watching Sports Center, listening to sports talk radio, and playing fantasy sports online. How this guy never owned a PlayStation is beyond me.

He was kinda like the month of March, the very month in which he died in. Except instead of coming in like a lion and out like a lamb, he came in like a Mini Cooper and out like a Winnebago. That reminds me, sometimes he tried to make jokes that would just bomb. Then he'd move into self-effacement mode and start ripping on himself. What a turd. I don't know why he would always do that crap.

He was a minister. But he would laugh at the way people treated him differently because he was a pastor. They had no idea that he was just as human as they were. He could be a huge jerk. He had a potty mouth sometimes. His lifestyle didn't make him worthy of his vocation. but he loved teaching the Bible. Steve was just thrilled to live a Christian life that didn't have to be dull and monotonous. He loved God and he loved being around people. And that made his life complete.

But he's dead now. So we should definately move on. There's more life out there to enjoy. And that's how I . . . um, I mean HE would've wanted it.

"No I will not make out with you!"

That's what I'm going to be telling Kelly next week when we're standing by the Western Wall in Jerusalem. Apparently Queen Amidala should've watched herself too.

Good Morning Dr.Falken. Would You Like To Play A Game?

I wish I was six years younger. Actually, strike that. That would suck. How about I wish I was still this age, but that I was born six years earlier [does that make any sense?]. Here's where I'm going with this . . .

I'm the webmaster of our church's website, sorta by default. When I arrived on staff here, our church's website hadn't been updated in about two years, so I took it upon myself to figure out how to do web editing. Here I am, two and a half years later, just about as clueless as I was then. As many of you know, websites are made from a programming code called html that you use to dictate how you want things to look on a web page. When you're done, it all looks like gibberish.

But unfortunately, I have no idea what any of it means. Here my friends, before all you people, allow me to come out of the closet:

I use Microsoft Frontpage to edit my website.

This is the techie equivalent of saying, "I need training wheels on my Harley," or "I can't go potty by myself." Frontpage is web management for dummies. All I do is insert pictures, change text, and totally ignore html code [I don't even have to look at it if I don't want to]. I was at a meeting about the church's website a few weeks ago and I rather sheepishly declared that I use Frontpage to edit. My admonition brought about giggles and rolled eyes from the group. I'm not quite sure why so many people dislike the program so much. Sorry I'm not the man that you are! You can stick your shadow table where the sun don't shine for all I care! Sorry. Guess I'm a little bitter.

Anyway, that's why I wish I had been just a tad younger when websites started becoming so popular. I could've been on the cutting edge rather than on the edge needing to be cut off. They even teach html code in school now. Of all the junk they tried to teach me back then that's been useless in life, I could've used that kind of information. Instead I'm doomed to dwell in my purgatory of html ignorance.

Me and my Frontpage. She's all I got.

***postcript
I thought it would be cute to include some html code in this post to show what it looks like and to be funny. All it ended up doing was screwing up my blog. I still have no idea how I did it, further proving the point of this post.

Where'd My Poop Go?

Yeah, I'm trying to draw you in with the title of this posting. Let me know if it worked.

Ah, the joys of home ownership! For the past three months I've been waging a battle against our outgoing water flow [I guess you could call it sewage, but it's not necessarily all sewage]. Fortunately my dad's company has the reaming machines for sewer pipes, so it could've been much worse. I ran a smaller machine through the pipes a few months ago when we had a backflow in our laundry room. When finished, I left the machine in my garage for about six weeks. Seriously, the day after I returned it, I had another backflow problem. My uncle made two trips within a couple of weeks [including three hours yesterday] with an even bigger machine to ream the pipes out. I think yesterday's actions finally took care of things.

You see, one of the reasons Kelly and I wanted to get a house in Landen was all the beautiful trees. But these trees have produced seeds that formed the roots growing in my pipes. The roots have blocked the outflow of water to the sewer which backs up into my laundry room [stupid trees]. After reaming, you can continue to fight the problem with a root killer, which I've already used and will apparently keep using for years to come.

It's been crazy, though. Because of this, there's been a few nights during this experience that I've told Kelly things like, "if you're gonna pee, do it now," and "you'll have to shower in the bathtub and slowly let the water out" [I'm sure she'll be thrilled that I just shared that]. But this whole problem has caused some hiccups in our lives that we could've done without.

But I guess it makes me appreciate those little things that I usually take for granted. Showering, using the bathroom, doing laundry- they all need water to flow in and out of your house for them to work without notice. And if something ever messes up, it feels like the biggest inconvenience ever. This little house problem has brought a slew of naughty words from my mouth. So now I've been more thankful for things like not having to think everyday about where my poo ends up. I mean, it could be worse: how about outhouse living? Um, no thanks. So thanks, God, for indoor plumbing. Never knew the blessing it was in my life.

Play Ball!

It's finally here: my fantasy baseball draft. I love fantasy baseball. For those unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, you get a bunch of guys together [not meaning to be sexist, but only males are geeky enough to participate] and draft major league baseball players. Then you compete against each other according to the stats that they produce throughout the season. Of course, if you're familiar with fantasy football I just wasted my time explaining all that to you, but I've gotta tell ya that fantasy baseball is way better. In football, if you're high-profile quarterback gets injured, your season's over. In baseball, there are consistently new players to be found so that if you lose a superstar to an injury, you can at least find someone to replace him.

I love fantasy baseball because it gives you a reason to care what other teams are doing. I used to watch Sport Center and after they showed the Reds and the Red Sox scores, I'd tune out. Now I'm somewhat curious to see what Kansas City does in a game against the Tigers. I'll admit that the strike of 1994 really ticked me off, but fantasy baseball helped restore my excitement for the game.

This is the sixth year I've done fantasy baseball, and I've figured out what you need to do to win. I've won four of the leagues I participated in. Here's the secret: become a stat geek. Find out what RISP is. Know how a player hits on the road verses at home. Scout the minor leagues for prospects who will be called up in June. And watch ESPN's Baseball Tonight until you think Peter Gammons is your father. That's how I rule this game.

But I'm still a dork.

Just For The Taste Of It

At the end of my freshman year of college I weighed 185 pounds. I was preparing to play collegiate soccer the following fall so I decided to shed some pounds and get in shape. By the time I started school I was in the best shape of my life, weighing 155 pounds. Now I've fluctuated with my weight since then but I've never reverted to where I was at the beginning of college. Honestly, one of the main reasons I've kept the pounds off is this:

Diet Coke.

That summer I changed over to Diet Coke instead of regular Coke and it's made a huge difference. I drink pop like it's water [well I guess it actually IS water, but you know what I mean]. Regular pop is almost as fattening as beer. With the "just one calorie" factor Diet Coke has brought to my life, I can drink as much as I want and be OK. If Kelly and I are at the grocery store and Coke products are on sale [$1 per 2 Liter or lower is a great price] we'll buy 12 of them. And I know this might sound surreal, but I probably down 120 ounces of Diet Coke a day.

Usually when I tell people this, they respond by saying Diet Coke will give me cancer someday. I'm not sure what to think about that charge, especially because nothing like that has ever been proven. I think people just hate on DC because they don't like the taste of it. I'll have to admit, it took me a couple months to get used to it. But now that I am, I can't drink regular pop anymore; it's too syrupy.

Now my true addiction is the fountain Diet Coke. There's an incredible difference between bottled and the tap. I've seriously thought about installing a Diet Coke fountain in my house; it's on my to-do list before I die. Until then, I frequent different establishments across town getting 32 ounce shots of the good stuff. So here is my list of the best fountain Diet Cokes across the city. I refuse to rank them because each has their special something.

UDF- I usually stop at the one at the corner of Sociallville/Foster and Mason Montgomery once every day. If you bring in your old cup, a 32 ouncer only costs 85 cents.

McDonalds and Wendy's- some of the best Diet Coke on the market, but not as practical because it's more expensive. Especially Wendy's can be bothersome because they stuff way to much ice in there. If dining in at a fast food establishment, these are excellent choices for DC. I usually get two refills. Then I've made up for the price gap.

Speedway- these gas stations have the cheapest fountain in the city. In the summer you can snag 44 ounces for 74 cents.

Lone Star off Fields Ertle- I think their DC is next to the root beer, because you get a unique taste. Although Kelly hates the hybrid taste, it's a nice break from the norm.

Meijer, BW-3, Moes and Subway in Arbor Square- all these establishments have what I really enjoy: the ability to add Cherry Coke to the mix. Ever since the Coca-Cola Company started putting out Diet Cherry Coke, I've been hooked. And once I find a place that offers Diet Cherry Coke in pure fountain drink form, I'll be there all the time.

Top Ten Movies I Haven't Seen

I subscribe to these e-newsletters that tell when a website's been updated and what new articles are there. Most of them are ministry oriented. While reading one this morning I ended up at the site of a church in North Carolina. What caught my eye was their current sermon series: It's A Guy Thing. Isn't it interesting that for years churches were obsessed with getting women involved while now there's a drought of men? Even more interesting than the series is the title of this week's sermon: Why We Like The Godfather. Interesting. Never though about preaching about that.

I watched the Godfather for the first time a few months ago. I'm way into guy movies, but since the movie was released three years before I was born, I never really felt the need to see it. Finally, after hearing so many quotes and talking about horse heads in people's beds, I decided I should watch it. Not to be blasphemous here, but I found it painfully slow to follow. I'm sure it was groundbreaking thirty years ago, but I'd rather go for Braveheart any day of the week instead of that.

So I'll end this post with a list of top ten movies I really need to see that I haven't seen yet but have been afraid to tell people that I haven't seen:

10. Reservoir Dogs [saw the first 30 minutes]
9. Enter The Dragon
8. Raging Bull
7. Slapshot
6. Ben Hur
5. Scarface [every rapper on MTV Cribs says it's awesome]
4. Citizen Kane
3. Fletch
2. Psycho
1. Animal House