Happy Birthdays are out today . . . - To elder my brother, Chris-toff [remember The Truman Show?], turning the double "3". You are now as old as Jesus was when he died. Congrats.
-To Martha Hill, mother of Emily and Melissa, turning a distinguished. . . yeah, I'm not that dumb. I'll just save the sarcastic remark so you still think I'm a gentleman.
-And to my nephew Samuel [a day early], hitting a nickel. Since you're unable to read yet, I say to you, "Your father is wasting away your college fund at Argosy with your imaginary family, so pee on his computer."
Aren't birthdays a blast?