A smaller soul patch.
"What is a soul patch?" you ask. I respond, "it's the little tuft of hair below my lip." I shaved it off on Christmas Eve, determined to turn a new page, but I just couldn't do it. I felt naked without it; I just had to grow it back. Honestly, I would've given it up long ago, but Kelly encouraged me on the journey. Thanks, Kelly, for believing in me . . . and my flavor-saver.
To the best of my knowledge, I started growing it about five years ago. I was by no means on the cutting edge of this facial hair trend, but jumped on the bandwagon quickly. The soul patch was the follow up of the goatee, which I was never able to sport because of personal hair growth limitations. So the soul patch has done me well.
But now, I'm constantly living in fear that I'll miss the last stop of this trend. Who wants to be the guy hanging onto the soul patch years after it's out of style. I know there are some of you who will claim that I needed to abandon this ship long ago, but I think I can still make it work. It's not like this is a p0rnstache.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
I said, at least it's not a p0rnstache.
"What's a p0rnstache?" you ask.
I respond, "it's the 1970's era mustache made popular by p0rn stars."
Here's a great visual example: I was unfamiliar with the terminology until I heard it years ago on the Jim Rome show. Admit it, you never knew just quite how to classify it, but the description is apropos. Despite this facial hair fad being deader than Eddie Murphy's career, you know you've spotted some of these in the past few years. It's usually the guy who thought he was cool for growing it out back during the Carter Administration, loved to drive his TransAm with the t-tops off while quoting lines from Smokey and The Bandit. The poor sap has never quite been able to bring himself to put a Bick to his upper lip.
This, friends, is what I fear.
I know the soul patch will not work forever. At some point I have to give up the ghost. But I just can't bring myself to do it. There's entirely too much skin between my chin and bottom lip. I might have to admit that someday, I'll be no better than those p0rnstache sporting fellows.
Me and Apolo Anton Ohno- soul patches united in gold medal quality glory.