Many thanks to those who overloaded my Facebook page with birthday greetings. The hardest thing I had to do today was delete all those email notifications. I asked for jokes and you delivered. Multiple people offered up, "a man walked into a bar . . ." joke. Two kids were able to submit the "spell 'i cup.'" Classic. And then there's my daughter's submission: "What's your name?" You say: Daddy. "What's this?" You: nose. "What's in my hands?" You: nothing. "Daddy knows nothing!" Sorry I didn't attribute the name to each joke, but here they all are. And scroll to the end to see who won joke of the birthday.
· A pirate captain walks into the local tavern. The bar tender notices that attached to the front of the pirates pants is the 3 foot steering wheel from a ship. It's very large and awkward and very clearly makes it difficult for the pirate to walk. But, dubloons are dubloons, s...o the bar tender keeps his mouth shut, and the pirate orders a beer. For a long time, the pirate sits uncomfortably at the bar trying to drink. He changes positions, he stands up, he sits down, he leans against the bar. He is very clearly uncomfortable. Finally, when the bar tender can stand no longer he asks the pirate captain, "Hey there friend, I hope you don't mind me asking, but why is there a ships wheel attached to your crotch?" The pirate captain looks at the barkeep with his good eye and says, "Arr, matey! It's drivin' me nuts!"
· 83 fish in a tank, 27 drowned. How many fish are left? STOP COUNTING SILLY! Fish cant drown!
· Why was the baby strawberry sad? Because her mom got in a jam.
· Why was Piglet looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
· Knock knock Who's there. Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I'm drownding.
· What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino???
· Why do mailmen drive red, white, and blue trucks? To deliver the mail!
· Q: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow? A: A birthday pheasant!
· "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
· What did the hat say to the other hats on the hatrack? You stay here while i go on ahead
· What does the cow read every morning? The moooooospaper.
· Why should you never let a pokemon see you change clothes? Because he might pichachu.
· Why did the turtle cross the road? to get to the Shell Station.
· "Why did the police officer stay in bed? Because he was working under cover."
· A fish is swimming along, runs into a wall, and screams "dam"
· A skeleton sits down at a bar; he orders a beer and a mop...
· Robin: My sister went on vacation. Steve: Jamaica? Robin: No - She wanted to go!
· A priest, a rabbi and a whale walk into a bar. The priest says I'll have red wine as a reminder of the sacramental wine. The rabbi says I'll have kosher wine as a reminder of the covenant between the Jewish people and God. The whale says... WHHAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAA.
· Two Blonds drove 12 hours on a trip to Disney World. They were almost to their destination when they passed a sign saying "Disney World Left". They both started crying and turned around and started for home
· Knock Knock... Who's there?.... Lettuce.... Lettuce who?.... Let us be friends
· An elderly woman walked into a country church. The Usher greeted her and asked where she would like to sit. Front row she said. Usher said she really didn't want to do that because the preacher is really boring. The lady asks if he knew who she is and informed him she was the preachers mother. Usher asks if she knew who he was and when she said NO he replied GOOD and left.....
· Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making head lines!
· Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
· Why are celebrities so cool? 'Cause they have a lot of fans.
· Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
· What did the brown chick say to the brown cow? Brown-chicka brown-cow!
· Hundreds of years ago, the Pope decided to kick the Jews out of the Vatican. The Jews weren't pleased, so they convinced the bishops to let them debate the issue. Since their best debater, a man named Shlomo, didn't speak any Latin they decided to have a silent debate. Shlomo sat across the table from the Pope. The Po...pe held up three fingers. Shlomo held up one. The Pope made a circular gesture around his head. Shlomo pointed at the table. The Pope took out some wine and a wafer. Shlomo took out an apple. The Pope stood up and conceded the debate. Later on, the bishops asked the Pope what happened. "He had an answer for everything!" he said. "I showed him three fingers referring to the trinity, but he held up one to remind us of the one God we share. I told him God was all around us,... but he pointed out that God was right here with us too. I brought out some wine and a wafer to remind him of the cleansing of our sins, and he took out an apple to remind us of the original sin. It was too much." Later on, the Jews were asking Shlomo what happened. "Well, it was weird," he said. "He said we had three days to get out. I said not a single one of us is leaving. He told me that everyone around us wanted us gone, but I said we're staying right here." "And then what?" someone asked. "Well, he took out his lunch and I took out mine."
· A no-armed man goes into a church and asks if he can get a job there. The man he talks to says, "The only job we have is the person who tells our bell ringer when to ring the bell every hour." The no-armed man accepts the job.The next day o...n his first day of work, he tries to find the man to tell him it's two o'clock. When he cannot find the man, he panics and rings the bell by banging his forehead against it. Only afterward does he realize that the man he was looking for was on the other side of the bell tower. Unfortunately, the man is so surprised, he falls off the tower and onto the street below. By some miracle, he survives. After pushing his way through a crowd that had gathered around the man, the town mayor comes to the man and asks: "Who did this to you?" The man responds, "I don't remember his name, but his face rings a bell."
· What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits the windsheild?--his butt!.
· Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
· Me: What's a pirate's favorite letter? You: That's easy - RRRRRRRRRR! Me: You'd think it's RRRRRRRRRR, but it's actually the C (said in my best pirate voice)
· What is the Loudest State? Illi-Noise.
· What did the buffalo say to his son as he was leaving? Bison!
· When cannon balls have kids, what are they called? Bee bees.
· What did the snail say on the Turtle's back?"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
· If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
· A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender takes one look at him, says, "Hey you! Get outta here!" The mushroom responds, "What's the big deal? I'm a fun guy."
· Two chocolate chip cookies are sitting in an oven, baking. One turns to the other and says, "Man, it's getting hot in here!" The second replies, "Ah! A talking cookie!"
· Two peanuts were walking in a park and one was a salted.
· Have you heard the one about the invisible man? Eh, there's not much to it.
· A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
· What happens when you scare a machine? It runs.
· It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.The human head weighs 8lbs. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. The woman... has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb:)
· A guy goes into the market to buy brains for dinner (yes, some people eat them like scrambled eggs). Cows brains are $4.50/ lb., pigs brains $3.50/lb. Then he notices a sign that says UK graduate brains $2.00/lb. and U of L graduate brains $20/lb. He asks the butcher why the U of L graduate brains are so costly. The butcher says "do you know how many U of L graduates we had to harvest to get this many brains?"
· Why do gorillas have big fingers? Because they have big nostrils.
· How do you top a car? You tep on the brake tupid.
· Knock knock Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry it's only a joke.
· What is a singer's favorite part of a meal? The main Chorus!
· After the six campers were discovered missing from their tents the state police began to canvas the area.
· A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it... that was delicious...hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"The dentist said, "Well, that's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome" "Why chrome?" asked the patient. "It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
· St. Peter has to run an errand and asks Jesus to cover the Pearly Gates for him one day. "It's not too hard," says St. Peter. "Just ask them a few questions about their life -- what they did, their family, that sort of thing." So Jesus opens the gates and starts talking to people, sending some down and letting others in. He's getting to the end of the day when he sees an old man shuffling up. "Tell me about yourself, good sir." "Well, I was a carpenter by trade, and I have a son that people love very much." Jesus looks into the man's eyes and says, "Father?" And the old man squints and says, "Pinocchio?"
· Why does Santa Claus wear red? (wait for it, wait for it) Oh, just be-clause.
· Knock Knock Who's there? Mary! Mary who? Mary Christmas and a Happy New Year!
· What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite!
1. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
2. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
3. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding."
Yep, all those were great. But the winner, without a doubt, is the one was personalized a probably took way too long. Thanks, Byron Williams.
A few years ago Steve Carr burst into a meeting of higher level management leadership at NASA headquarters and exclaimed, “I’ve devised an intricate algorithm that will allow NASA to send a manned mission to the Sun.” Almost everyone in t...he room burst out laughing. “That’s funny”, shouted someone from the back of the room, “are you one of those birthday joke-grams?” “No”, said Steve, “I hold advance degrees from two prestigious Cincinnati universities, and I hope to someday study for my doctorate at a school in the Northeast, so you know I know what I’m talking about.” While several murmured grudging approval for Steve’s credentials, the deputy director of NASA piped in (with not too little condescension), “Look, a third grader in this country knows you can’t get within a million miles of the Sun without burning up.” Steve shouted back defiantly,” not with my patent-pending algorithm! Once again we will lead the word in space technology.”
“Ok,” said the Director of NASA, while we’re waiting on security, why don’t you enlighten us.”
“Well, began Steve, it’s really quite simple, I don’t know why you didn’t think of it before. But all you have to do…is travel at night.”
Epilogue: Steve Carr now works in a windowless basement office in a non-descript building somewhere in the Midwest. The rumor that Steve is now on the FBI, NSA and several other black-op type watch lists remains unproven.