The Bengals and Me

Is this the day that the Bengals finally step up and get it done? Watching a game with me is an exhausting exercise [ask Kelly], so I wanted you to have the opportunity to see what it's like. I've decided to do a real time update of today's game against Pittsburgh.

12:50pm- Pre-game show. Boomer Esiason picks the Bengals to win. I used to wear a Boomer baseball hat back when the Bengals were good. Maybe I need to get a set of Chad Johnson gold teeth. My mood: chipper.

1:00pm- Kickoff. Totally optimistic that the Bengals will get it done. My mood: upbeat.

1:20pm- Steelers touchdown. WHY, WHY DOES OUR DEFENSE SUCK SO BAD? If Jerome Bettis could've played the Bengals every game, he would've been Jim Brown. My mood: angry.

1:30pm- Touchdown, Bengals! Good catch, TJ! Our defense might suck, but at least our offense rocks! My mood: relieved.

1:40pm- Steelers Touchdown. It's just not going to happen. OUR DEFENSE SUCKS TOO MUCH!! My mood: angry again.

1:52pm- Touchdown, Bengals! Good offensive sequence [again]. But can the defense respond??? My mood: somewhat calm.

2:00pm- Bengals Interception! I guess they were listening. Those are the kind of big plays we need to win this thing. I think Ben Roethlisberger's hand might be bothering him. My mood: happy.

2:07pm- Touchdown, Bengals! Houshmandzadeh's second. Roethlisberger and Houshmandzadeh? What kind of spelling test is this? My mood: happier still.

2:15pm- Bengals Fumble Recovery!
That's two defensive takeaways. But they're still not stopping the Steelers. Of course the offense went three and out, but we'll see if they win the field position battle. My mood: mellow.

2:30pm- Steelers Field Goal. Halftime score: Bengals 21, Steelers 17. Thirty more minutes of football to go. My mood: somewhat reserved.

2:50pm- Bengals Field Goal.
Good drive to start the second half. It still is going to come down to the defense making a stop. How about a three-and-out, defense? My mood: gotta pee.

2:56pm- Steelers Touchdown. And Hines Ward does the Ickey Shuffle. OH, NO HE DI-N'T! IS HE SERIOUS? They will pay. You wait and see. Don't mess with the Shuffle. My mood: vindictive. And as I finish typing that last sentence, Tab Perry runs the kickoff to the Steeler two-yard line. And then Rudi Johnson scores the Touchdown, Bengals. Thanks for the mojo, Hines. My mood: justified.

3:17pm- Bengals Interception! Deltha O'Neal returns it just short of midfield. They are doing everything they need to do to win this game. Unfortunately, another three-and-out by the offense. But remember that battle for field position. And where has Chad Johnson been this half? It's your time! My mood: reservedly optimistic.

3:26pm- Bengals Defense Steps Up! It's the fourth quarter and Pittsburgh fumbles the ball three times in the same drive. We need the offense to score here and they can start up the bus [not Bettis, the real bus]. I predict the Chad touchdown pass. My mood: pumped up.

3:41pm- Bengals Interception! Odell Thurman is Rookie-of-the-Year! Now it's the offense that's stagnant. How about a touchdown? ["Paging Chad . . . "] My mood: hyperactive.

3:46pm- Touchdown, Bengals! Wrong Johnson. I meant, Rudi! A two touchdown lead with six minutes left . . . this game is over. The Bengals are going to win the division. My mood: incredibly confident.

3:55pm- Steelers Touchdown.
Well, I didn't know the Bengals would play the prevent defense that drive. Fortunately there's only three minutes left. My mood: not quite as confident as eleven minutes ago.

4:05pm- Two minute Warning.
Steelers have the ball, but are shooting themselves in the foot. A touchdown ties the game up. My mood: anxious.

4:09pm- Bengals sack!
Steelers take a timeout. Next play brings up fourth down and thirteen yards to go. My mood: kill me, please.

4:12pm- Bengals sack!
GAME OVER! Bengals are 9-3. My mood: smug.

What's left to say? Oh, yeah . . .